So, are YOU on Twitter then? To be honest, it doesn’t matter if you are or you aren’t, because you’ll never have as many followers as I’ve got. Unless you’re Stephen Fry or Jonathan Fucking Ross. But that’s another story – they’re rigging it. But now it’s not enough just being on Twitter and being able to scroll down your list of followers (or acolytes, as I know you like to think of them), stroking the screen and congratulating yourself because you’ve got a few made-up friends on the internet. No, now you can get a personalised mug with their frigging faces on it – a permanent reminder of your brilliance and your ability to connect with people you’ve never met. But look – most of them aren’t actually real people but spam bots, machines that have followed you in the hope that you’ll follow back and somehow stupidly click on the links they post to their porn sites. You dick.

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